Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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