she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
