I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
