Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
