He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I didn't notice because vodka
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have fence marks all over my body
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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