I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
