I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
