That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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