A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
