if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize