The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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