The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize