so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
