dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
