first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
