new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
