Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
