how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ladies don't puke and tell
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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