apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
