that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
