Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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