remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize