I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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