It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
