Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
