good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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