i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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