This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
