She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
