woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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