You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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