the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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