There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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