hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
