u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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