Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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