Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
