I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
