glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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