thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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