this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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