I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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