My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
