The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
