went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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