Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Who died my cat blue again?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
