They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
