90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
