ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
