Whats the glycemic index on semen?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My breasts were aching with rage.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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