I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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