My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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