my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
