Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize