We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
