Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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