So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
